If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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