Please, let me fuck your mom
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
