My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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