Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
