So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Randomize
