That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
