Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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