oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
