wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
