Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
