I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
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The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
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How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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