trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
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You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
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I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
How naked do you want me to be?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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