I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
