dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
