I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
