lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
