dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
