I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
