oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
