When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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