I cannot find my penis.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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