Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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