So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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