I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
