david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
