The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Sorry my hands just texted you
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
