It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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