Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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