Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Found your dick twin last night
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
