i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
