Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize