Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
