In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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