I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
