Can i not drive my cunt home
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
