for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
