I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
