When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
