Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
