just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
