Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
