I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
