What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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