Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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