we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
