apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
