in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
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