sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
