Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Randomize
