Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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