i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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