Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
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He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
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Is Oprah even human
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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