There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
