I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
