can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
no, he came in my armpit
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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