It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
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