if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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